It is often difficult to plan for the holidays when your children are divorced.
Your expectation as a parent may be that your newly single child will want to spend the holidays with family. After all, weren't
you there with a shoulder to cry on during the rescue period? And if your child is happily remarried, you
expect to be hosting all the new relatives now that the family's wounds have healed.
Unfortunately, holidays can be disappointing events for parents in either
case. For example Mary was devastated when her son called and said, "Gee, I'm sorry, Ma, but Toni and I can't make
it for Thanksgiving. We're going to her folks."
Anita
was put out when her newly divorced daughter said she had made "other plans" for Christmas. She expected
her parents to be understanding that she was spending the holiday going skiing with her singles group.
The point is a certain amount of disengagement is to be expected when our children
get divorced and remary. Clearly Mary's remarried son is trying to please his new wife by spending Christmas
with her folks. And if we look for reasons why Anita's daughter decided to spend time with friends, it's probably
because she is not ready to answer Aunt Helen's question, "So what went wrong, dear?"
Like you, your adult child needs time to adjust to the changes in his or her marital
status. Just know that your divorced or remarried son or daughter is banking on your understanding because you have already
shown your loyalty and been there in the various stages of your child's divorce journey.
Think of holiday time as an opportunity to strengthen your family relationships.
If your new in-law sees how flexible you are about your son spending Thanksgiving with her family, she
will be more inclined to pencil you in for next Thanksgiving. And you are sure to win points with your child if
you don't lay a guilt trip on him about cutting out when the break-up is fresh.
Holidays are notoriously difficult for grandchildren, the victims
of divorce. Obviously, as a grandparent you look forward to being with your grandkids during the holidays and hate sacrificing
any precious time you spend with them. However, if you listen to Carlos' complaint, you will understand
their bind around holiday time:
"The thing is I didn't
know my stepfather very well when my mom got remarried. I'd met Enrico a couple of times, and all of a suddent here was
this guy laying down the law and telling me what to do. My mom sold our house, and we moved in with my stepfather because
his place was a lot bigger. It was set up for his other kids, who used to stay over on the weekends. It was a madhouse
when we were all there. I had to transfer to a new high school in the middle of my junior year and it was tough making new
friends. I didn't do well in school that year because I was pretty miserable. I moved back in with my dad, but he was
always working or going out somewhere, and I was alone a lot. Holidays were the real pain. My folks wanted me to split them
down the middle. Half the time I never knew where I was supposed to be. That first Christmas I went to my mother's and
just about everyone there was from Enrico's side. I felt very uncomfortable. I mean, it was Christmas, and I was with
all these strangers. When I went away to college, I wound up staying at school during school breaks or going to a friend's
house to avoid the hassle of having to go home."
How can
grandparents help a conflicted grandchild? By being there all year long -- by reaching out with a telephone call, an e-mail
or an invitation to spend some quality time aside from holidays. It would be better to take your grandchild on vacation
or spend a day out together when you won't have that extra stress that holidays tend to breed.
Case in point: One teenager I spoke to told me she's figured a way out to make everybody
happy. "On Thanksgiving I have the main course with Mom who insists I spend it with Granny Frieda and
Grandpa Al, and then when it's time for dessert my dad picks me up and I go to his parents' house." A
way out? This sounds like a good case for indigestion, if you ask me.
Holidays require some flexibility on the part of parents whose children have divorced. A good example is setting
an extra place setting for a surprise guest. Thanksgiving may turn out to be the opportunity your
child has been waiting for to introduce you to that special someone, and you will be expected to
give your stamp of approval while basting the turkey.
Let's
face it, when your child remarries you will inherit a bunch of new relatives you hadn't banked on. Be gracious if
your new in-law hints that her parents or seconde cousins once-removed have no place to go for Christmas. Remember that investment
in your relationship idea.
Be prepared to stretch the table.
Today many parents maintain ties with the ex-law when their child's marriage goes kaput. Sitting around your diningroom
table may be a kaleidiscope of relations -- the ex-son-in-law and his new wife and her children (now your step-grandchildren)
as well as your remarried daughter, new son-in-law and your grandchildren from her first marriage. If it all seems quite
natural and everyone is having a good time, pat yourself on the back. You've done something right to make everyone
feel welcome.
Good luck this holiday season and let me know
how it all turns out. I'd love to hear your special parents of divorced kids holiday story.
mtemlockauthor@aol.com
