I was recently asked for my thoughts about the "games" couples play when it comes to finances because money is the number one issue that surfaces when marriages break down.  

The economic power struggle is one way couples can stay attached. A good example is the case when partners haggle over some relatively valueless item acquired during the marriage -- a Navajo rug neither one likes, for example. 
 

Today I received a call from a parent who felt she contributed to her child's divorce because she knew how unhappy her son was in his marriage and she did nothing, she said, to make the marriage better. "For two years," she confided, "I sat on pins and needles waiting for my son to announce that he was leaving his wife. I never said anything to my daughter-in-law. Instead I devoted myself to them. I used to go over to their house all the time hoping my presence would defuse their anger. Now my daughter-in-law is furious with me for not telling her how unhappy my son was."
 
Poor Mom -- manipulated by her son when he took her into his confidence; Poor mother-in-law to feel so disloyal to the wife for not telling her what her son should have told her in the first place.

As parents we often get pulled into our kids' marital fray. If your child tells you how unhappy he or she is, it's best to suggest your son or daughter work  on solving some of those problems with a professional. As much as we would like to believe we can fix things, that is not our role. 

In retrospect: A gallon of guilt, Mom, will not help the couple. Show your support for each of them, and do not dwell on the what if's.

Comments? email me at: mtemlockauthor@aol.com 

Believe it or not but many people going through divorce want to maintain good relationships with the so-called ex-laws post-divorce. Divorce spells loss for everyone -- it is probably one of the most difficult terrains to cross especially for grandparents who fear they will not see their grandkids when the parents split and the courts decide the custody issues.

The stats tell the story:  Even when there is joint custody, the maternal grandparents are more likely to maintain and even enhance their relationship with the grandchildren, but if it's the son, their relationship is likely to be diminished in quantity and probably quality.

Here are some suggestions how to say I love you to grandchildren to avoid missing out on their love and affection when their parents separate or divorce –

The general rule of thumb that should guide grandparents is understanding that children of all ages can only profit by having as much love around them as possible during tough times, so don't remove yourself from the scene even if it means going against your grain and opening the door with the in-law with whom you hold hard feelings. (And feelings of ill-will are understandable!)


1. Open the door right after the breakup by sending an e-mail, making a phone call, text-messaging, sending a card. In other words, do whatever it takes to say I love the kids and want to stay in touch. Express your concerns up front. After all, you are human and have a right to be concerned.

2. Bite your tongue and accept the fact you may have to hear some negative stuff about your own child from both the in-law and your grandchildren who are hurting. Keep in mind, nerves are raw but they will heal by-and-by. Be the “big” one and set the standard for civility.

3. Discuss visitation concerns. Grandparents have to accept the fact that visitation is a gift not a given (At least according to current court rulings about grandparents' rights). If you fear losing your grandkids, have your son or daughter, write something in the divorce agreement about your visitation privileges, but don't count on this being upheld in court. It may be that something “official” will work to your benefit.

4. Do your very best to make visitations stress-free. Don't ply the grand kids with questions about the in-law.

5. Stick to the rules set down by the custodial parent and show your appreciation that you’ve spent time with them. Chances are if you observe the rules you'll get to see the kids again.

6. Give lots of advance notice if you have a special occasion and you want to see the grandchildren.

7. Don't come on too strong in the beginning about seeing the grandchildren while the parents are trying desperately to reorganize their lives. You may have to settle for crumbs at the outset.

8. Always say something positive about the in-law so the "nice words" are carried back. Dig deep if you have to.

In summary: Loving relationships are hand-hammered. Sometimes the material we have to work with is resistant and can get easily dented. The final product is worth the care. And try to be a grandparenting friend, not a foe to maintain the all-important loving relationship.

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