Parents of Divorcing Children:
Building Bridges Over Thorny Terrain
Ben sounded odd on the phone, and Nora's "mother's radar" clicked into alert mode. Then she heard
the words no parent is ever quite prepared
for: "Mom, Dad. . .Joan and I are getting a divorce." Nora and her husband Gary found themselves helpless on the sidelines, unsure of their role now, wanting to
help Ben and Joan but afraid to
interfere and make things worse.
Four million other parents
like you go through this wrenching ordeal every year. Yet only you know how devastating an experience this is for you and your family. Hundreds of books about marital breakup
have been published, but an enormous
segment of society has been neglected: the parents of divorcing children. How do you provide a steadying influence, deal with your own emotions, and avoid offering the
wrong advice?
"Parents have an obligation
to support their child without having all the answers about what went wrong in the marriage," says Marsha Temlock. "This is a time when your child is banking on your loyalty.
You want to convey the message, 'I'm
here for you. I support you.' And you want to send this message often."
Temlock wrote Your Child's
Divorce: What to Expect — What You Can Do to help parents trying to keep the family together even in the midst of pain, sadness, and acrimony. "You can strengthen your
relationship with your child during
and after a divorce, facilitate family renewal and regeneration, and be role models for your children and grandchildren," she asserts. "You can also hasten your own recovery as you
make this journey with your divorcing
child."
Empathy and clear advice for
proceeding realistically distinguish this unique volume. Dilemmas addressed include:
§ Resisting the
impulse to fix "perceived" problems.
§ Weighing the
legal, financial and domestic issues of divorce -- from a parent’s vantage point.
§ Avoiding the
dangers of becoming overwhelmed and overextended.
§ Helping your
grandchildren deal effectively with their parents’ divorce.
§ Disengaging
after the rescue period without abandoning your child.
Family members interested in
supporting someone going through separation or divorce can draw on the wealth of insights, suggestions, and resources this practical guide offers. Adult children concerned
about parents' becoming overly involved
in their lives during their divorce can use its guidelines to establish healthy boundaries. Professionals who work with divorcing couples will find each chapter's guideposts
and workbook exercises useful tools
for understanding emotions, prioritizing needs, dealing with transitions, and strengthening family bonds.
"Divorce does not exist in
a vacuum," Temlock emphasizes. "There will be many shifts in relationships that are not within your control. The only control you can exercise is over the relationship you have
with your son or daughter. Be someone
your child can turn to. Be a trusted listener. Be a comforter. In addition, if possible, be an optimist."
