              Wall Street Journal

February 16, 2008

Picking Up the Pieces
How one mother steered a course through her children's divorces -- and is now helping others
By GLENN RUFFENACH
February 16, 2008; Page R7
Each year, about one million couples in the U.S. get divorced. That means about four million parents annually can find their lives turned upside down, says Marsha Temlock, a retired vocational counselor in Westport, Conn.Mrs. Temlock speaks from experience. "I have two children who got divorced," says the 63-year-old. "It came as a shock to me both times."
[There are] devastating effects of divorce on families -- on couples themselves and their children. More recently, sociologists and others have come to focus on a third party: the parents of divorcing couples. Often, older adults find themselves struggling on three fronts at once: trying to help their child (and perhaps their former son- or daughter-in-law); trying to protect their grandchildren; and trying to cope with their own feelings of loss, anger -- even guilt. To learn more about older parents and divorce, we spoke with Mrs. Temlock, whose experiences in the wake of her sons' breakups prompted her to write a book, "Your Child's Divorce: What to Expect -- What You Can Do."
"I wanted to know if other parents felt the way I did when their children got divorced," she says. "What were their concerns? How did they show support? What boundaries did they draw? How and when did they disengage?"
Here are excerpts from the discussion:
Learn to Accept It
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL: Why is more attention being paid to the parents of divorcing couples?
MRS. TEMLOCK: Parents today -- and when I say parents, I'm talking about seniors -- are more involved in their children's lives than perhaps our parents were. We're younger, healthier -- we seem to have a stake in [our children's] marital happiness.
So, many parents today are drawn into the foreground when their children divorce, whether they want it or not. Even if they live far away.
WSJ: You said you were shocked when you learned that your own children planned to divorce. Are parents often the last to know?
MRS. TEMLOCK: We have to understand that our children are adults; they have other circles of support. They have their colleagues and friends who have gotten divorced. There are all kinds of support groups. For whatever reason, parents may be the last people to hear about it.
I was at a writer's conference, and a man came up to me after a panel discussion, and he said, "I'm very close with my mother, but I didn't tell her until I told everybody else that my wife and I were separating." I said, "Why not?" And he said, "I just couldn't deal with it." When you tell your mother or your father you're getting a divorce, that's when it becomes real.

'Many parents today are drawn into the foreground when their children divorce, whether they want it or not. Even if they live far away.' --MARSHA TEMLOCK
WSJ: Should parents try to fix the marriage? Should they push their children to seek counseling?
MRS. TEMLOCK: I believe that the parents' role is, first of all, to accept what is. If your child comes to you and says, "This marriage is untenable," I think that you need to show support for your child and say, "What can I do to help you?" The focus is on [your child].
So if you're going to offer any kind of help toward counseling, I would say, "I'm happy to help you financially if you need to see an individual counselor." I think that parents have this knee-jerk reaction to try to fix the marriage, and that's not our role. First of all, we can't know what's wrong. Your child may not know what's wrong.
WSJ: So, is that the first or best step that parents should take when they hear the news?
MRS. TEMLOCK: You need to show support for your child, which isn't the same thing as saying, "I agree with you; I agree with your behavior; I agree with your decision."
I fell into that trap. In both cases, I didn't understand the importance of showing immediate support for my child. I questioned: "What went wrong?" And I tried to understand everyone's point of view. And as a result, both my children were upset with me.
WSJ: Is that always a mistake -- trying to remain neutral?
MRS. TEMLOCK: I think it was for me. But I think there are other mistakes that a lot of parents make. Many don't let go of their anger. Long after the couple has resolved some of the issues, parents will still defend their child and hold on to their anger. We need to be very careful because we are acting as role models for our children and our grandchildren.
So, we don't want to cut out the faces of the ex-in-law from all the pictures.
Help and Stabilize
WSJ: In your book, you discuss a five-stage guide to help parents navigate a child's divorce, starting with acceptance. What are the other stages?
MRS. TEMLOCK: After acceptance is the rescue stage. If your child has been a victim of domestic violence, or has no place to live, or is so terribly devastated that he or she can't function, that's the immediate call to arms.
Then comes responding to changes. After the initial crisis period, your child will be reorganizing his or her life. Maybe your child will decide that he or she wants to move to another part of the country after the divorce -- chuck the Wall Street job and become a cinematographer, or whatever. Those seeds may have been there before, so don't blame it on the divorce. And it's not necessarily a negative; it's just a change.
They also may start dating. They may find the real love of their life, who's completely different from the first wife or husband. The new girlfriend or boyfriend may be a very good thing. So you shouldn't be resistant to change. Some of it will be good, and some of it will be bad.
WSJ: And the final two stages?
MRS. TEMLOCK: Stabilizing the family, and then refocusing and rebuilding.
One grandmother that I interviewed was baby-sitting her grandson, who had a disability, so her daughter could go to work. And she was exhausted. This was a difficult child to care for. So, she looked around, and she found a nursery school that has programs for children with disabilities. And she helped pay for that. Here she was -- she was stabilizing the family, helping her daughter go to work. But she wasn't devoting her life to taking care of a child.
In refocusing and rebuilding, you have children who are interested in getting remarried. Here, parents typically complain about getting the crumbs. "I was so involved in my child's divorce; I helped them through it. He called me 24 hours a day. And now, all of a sudden, I can't even get them to come over on a Saturday with the kids."
You have to readjust to the fact that your child has lots of obligations, probably balancing two families. You now have four sets of grandparents, essentially.
WSJ: You mentioned the grandmother caring for the child with a disability -- and trying to draw boundaries. That would seem particularly hard to do.
MRS. TEMLOCK: You have parents [whose] whole life is taken over -- monopolized by the divorce. I use an example in the book about parents who get constant phone calls from their son or daughter. And at some point, they have to turn off the cellphone, or say to their child: "I really need to get some sleep. It's 10 o'clock at night. Could you call in the morning?"
You need to take care of yourself. That's not being selfish. There shouldn't be any guilt involved with that.
Don't Neglect Others
WSJ: What else should parents be on guard about?
MRS. TEMLOCK: First, financial issues. Parents may be tapped right away to provide some kind of financial support, especially when your child is working out the settlement. The problem here is that parents typically continue to support their children; they overextend themselves. There has to be a point at which your child needs, financially, to get on his or her own feet.
Second, you can't neglect the well-being of your other children. My husband and I were on a rafting trip down the Colorado River, and this lovely young woman was our guide. She learned I was writing this book, and her face fell. I said, "What's wrong?" She said her sister had been divorced for quite a few years and was living with her children in a very nice, large house. And [her] parents were paying the mortgage. She said her parents aren't wealthy people, and that they were using her college-tuition money to pay that mortgage. So, instead of going to a private college, our guide [said she] was working two or three jobs and attending a community college.
You can't neglect the needs of your other children because one child has gotten divorced.
WSJ: What about grandchildren? What are the most important steps grandparents can take to help their grandchildren during a divorce?
MRS. TEMLOCK: You need to understand as a grandparent that there will be a shift in your relationship because the grandchildren are adjusting. There will be acting out. They may be angry at you, if, for example, your child is the one who walked out, or is not paying the alimony on time, or is having the affair. You're going to get some of that. And just hold fast.
Your job as the grandparent is to provide a relief from stress and a sense of stability. When they come to your home, everything is the same. You're still Grandma; you're still Grandpa. You still go out for pizza at the same restaurant. They sleep in the same room. They watch the same television programs. You become the safe haven.

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    RELATIONSHIPS
Miami Herald

    RELATIONSHIPS

Divorce can be hard on grandparents, too

Posted on Sat, Sep. 22, 2007

BY JANE GLENN HAAS

Orange County Register

Grandparents need to learn a whole new set of parenting skills when their adult child's marriage collapses.

''Your role as a grandparent is a key issue when children get divorced,'' says Marsha Temlock, author of Your Child's Divorce: What to Expect -- What You Can Do (Impact Publishers, 2007).

So many boomers came through the marital revolution, they have experienced divorce themselves, she notes.

''But they need to learn a whole new set of parenting skills when their children get divorced,'' she says. ``Parents are more involved when children break up. They are asked to help children financially, to advise them on restructuring their lives, to be more active in raising their grandchildren.

``It takes a whole new reorganization of the family to keep everyone going.''

Maybe the lucky ones are asked to do too much. Sadly, many grandparents often are not asked to do anything.

A lot feel they only get crumbs, Temlock points out.

A son may have joint custody, only get the kids on the weekend, and say he'll bring them over when it's convenient.

'It's the `I don't have time for you; wait your turn' approach,'' she says.

In thought-provoking vignettes, Temlock guides grandparents through a series of situations from children who extend anger to grandparents to grandparents who are angry with the former in-law.

''Children need as much love as possible and grandparents have to bury the hatchet and provide that,'' she says. ``Don't use the grandchildren as pawns. Make them feel comfortable and loved. Give them stability, relief from stress and a feeling of security.''

Her book gives parents a five-stage guide through a child's divorce, from how to accept the news to how to refocus and rebuild, especially if the child eventually remarries.

Palm Beach Post

Kids divorcing? Don't fight it

By Bea Lewis

Special to The Palm Beach Post

Saturday, September 15, 2007

When Fran's daughter called to say that after 10 years of what seemed like a happy marriage, she was getting divorced, Fran went into a tailspin. Having just lost her husband, Fran couldn't deal with another family loss and was determined to fix their marriage. She bribed and cajoled. She played the guilt card regarding the grandchildren and warned of horrors that lay ahead.

Not only did her pleas fall on deaf ears, but her interference turned her daughter away.

If Fran had read Marsha Temlock's excellent guide, Your Child's Divorce: What To Expect, What You Can Do (Impact Publishers), she might have been able to let go of her controlling instincts. She could have redirected her energies to remaining calm and positive, even as those around her whirled in the midst of pain, sadness and acrimony.

"We can't control what happens with our adult kids, but we can let them know we are there for them, to serve as a support system,'' said Temlock, a retired family counselor who wrote the book after her second son announced his divorce, putting her in touch with a need millions of parents like herself had for help as they're plodding through their child's divorce.

Temlock's sound advice includes tips about accepting the news (after the initial shock); getting along with the in-law child (for the sake of the children); coping with grief (divorce is like death); and dealing with feelings of guilt (what did I do wrong?).

Embarrassed to tell family and friends of the breakup? Temlock suggests you ask your children what they want you to say. The best way to smother gossip (and there will be plenty of that), is to reaffirm your allegiance to your child. And don't expect anyone to keep the news under his or her hat. "Hats blow off in the wind.''

Also addressed are ways to avoid incurring debt when helping children financially and what to do when the in-law child tears the grandchildren away from you.

"My book can help parents extricate themselves from being totally engulfed in the breakup of the family, to find time to care for themselves, to set boundaries as to how much to help financially or care for the grandchildren, to know you can still have your own life,'' Temlock said.

For parents struggling with their child's divorce, Temlock's guide and her Web site - www.yourchildsdivorce.com - may help.

The Stamford Advocate

"Your child's divorce Tips for helping parents cope"

"Your child's divorce Tips for helping parents cope"

By Nadia Lerner
Staff Writer
February 19, 2007

From the woes of a marital split to single parenting and blended families, there's no dearth of books on divorce. Yet there are few books
to help parents of divorced children deal with the dilemma of a broken
family.

This prompted Westport resident Marsha Temlock to write "Your Child's Divorce: What to Expect - What You Can Do."

"I caution parents to try and put their own feelings aside and consider the feelings of their child and grandchildren because the priority is on the couple and not on the parents," says Temlock, a writer and columnist who worked in vocational counseling for more than 20 years.

In the book, Temlock dispenses advice by means of a five-stage model for parents: Accepting the News; Rescuing Your Child; Responding to Changes; Stabilizing the Family; and Refocusing and Rebuilding. Each category includes information about what to expect; goals; what to do; and obstacles.

If you must grieve when getting the news, do it privately, she says. "Don't burden your child with your own emotionality." And do not to try to extract information from your child about what went wrong.

"The most important thing that a parent should do is to show concern for their child and grandchildren, and be there as a support. Being a support and showing loyalty is not the same as saying 'I agree with your decision.' " This time of unrest is when the family must serve as an anchor, she adds.

Nearly three years ago, area resident Lara (not her real name) told her mother, also an area resident who requested anonymity, that she planned to split from her husband of 10 years. The couple had no children.

"We felt sorry for the both of them because both are good people," says Lara's mom. "There was no would have, could have, should have. You will never hear anything negative from anyone in the family. It's over; it's done. Stuff happens in people's lives. "

But the approach Lara's parents took is not universal. Parents often mistakenly believe their child wants to instantly denigrate the spouse.

"It's the knee-jerk reaction," says Temlock. "Parents are so emotionally involved, they think the first thing to do is put a bandage on something and heal the hurt. But you can't take away the pain. The only thing you can do is provide love, support, encouragement, be a listener and future-oriented: We are going to help you improve.

"Your child has invested a tremendous amount of emotions in this person, and they don't want to hear all the negatives," says Temlock.

As to the proper way to let family and friends know your child is going through divorce, Temlock recommends taking cues from your child. Ask him or her to script what should be said.

Lara's mom sent word of her daughter's divorce in a short note to family and friends. The note said the couple decided to separate, there was no animosity and that the parents wish them well. Later, she followed up the note with a phone call.

"No one was overly inquisitive," she says. "There was no reason for that. It was respect for someone's privacy." What parents should not do, says Temlock, is "say to a friend, 'Keep this under your hat.' Hats slide off in the wind."

And what about overly involved parents who may not realize a child needs space? Temlock calls it "surveying the landscape. Parents must follow boundaries and need to understand." It's not unusual, at first, for a child to call the parent at all times, even in the middle of the night, and later draw away.

"You are going to be 'at the switchboard,' and it will light up with red lights. That's the time you need to respond. There's a lot of talking and a lot of listening. I want your advice. I don't want your advice. Come and visit. Don't come and visit."

In addition, he or she may have seen a lawyer, accountant, talked to many friends and you may be pushed away for a while, she says. Don't be surprised if a child who has been remote cozies up briefly for "tea and sympathy.

"Each child needs support in a different way, and when you survey the landscape, don't become emotionally involved and feel rejected, you will feel and do good."

Although Lara was handling her divorce very well, her mom told her to call anytime she needed to talk.

"When I heard sadness in her voice, I would find an excuse to drop over and say 'hello.' The important thing was that she knew I was there for her."

Temlock also counsels parents to let go of hostile feelings.

She recalls the story of a couple who divorced when their child was 2. Years later, at the child's bar mitzvah, the youngster's maternal grandfather refused to stand next to the paternal grandmother. "The father said, 'I'm not standing next to that witch.' Now come on," says Temlock.

Among key recommendations in a list of parental guideposts, Temlock suggests not prolonging the rescue period. At a certain point, it's time to pull back.

For example, if one year later, your child still calls late at night to vent, it's time to tell her to call back the next day. "By the morning," says Temlock, "she will have cooled off."

And then, there's every grandparent's worst nightmare: Losing visitation rights with the grandchildren. Temlock recommends keeping the lines of communication open, including with the other grandparents.

"There are many instances where grandparents work together for the sake of the grandchildren. It takes diplomacy, but it can be done."

*

Handling your child's divorce

In "Your Child's Divorce: What to Expect - What You Can Do," author Marsha Temlock offers the following suggestions to get parents of divorced children on the road to recovery:

* Set boundaries.

* Limit self-sacrifice.

* Let go of control.

* Don't kindle resentment.

* Establish priorities.

* Make time for yourself.

* Secure ancillary support.

* Concentrate on other relationships.

* Pay attention to your physical and emotional needs.

* Turn to counseling if you can't get beyond your emotions.

- Nadia Lerner