I was recently asked for my thoughts about the "games" couples play when it comes to finances because money is the number one issue that surfaces when marriages break down.  

The economic power struggle is one way couples can stay attached. A good example is the case when partners haggle over some relatively valueless item acquired during the marriage -- a Navajo rug neither one likes, for example. 
 

Today I received a call from a parent who felt she contributed to her child's divorce because she knew how unhappy her son was in his marriage and she did nothing, she said, to make the marriage better. "For two years," she confided, "I sat on pins and needles waiting for my son to announce that he was leaving his wife. I never said anything to my daughter-in-law. Instead I devoted myself to them. I used to go over to their house all the time hoping my presence would defuse their anger. Now my daughter-in-law is furious with me for not telling her how unhappy my son was."
 
Poor Mom -- manipulated by her son when he took her into his confidence; Poor mother-in-law to feel so disloyal to the wife for not telling her what her son should have told her in the first place.

As parents we often get pulled into our kids' marital fray. If your child tells you how unhappy he or she is, it's best to suggest your son or daughter work  on solving some of those problems with a professional. As much as we would like to believe we can fix things, that is not our role. 

In retrospect: A gallon of guilt, Mom, will not help the couple. Show your support for each of them, and do not dwell on the what if's.

Comments? email me at: mtemlockauthor@aol.com 

Believe it or not but many people going through divorce want to maintain good relationships with the so-called ex-laws post-divorce. Divorce spells loss for everyone -- it is probably one of the most difficult terrains to cross especially for grandparents who fear they will not see their grandkids when the parents split and the courts decide the custody issues.

The stats tell the story:  Even when there is joint custody, the maternal grandparents are more likely to maintain and even enhance their relationship with the grandchildren, but if it's the son, their relationship is likely to be diminished in quantity and probably quality.

Here are some suggestions how to say I love you to grandchildren to avoid missing out on their love and affection when their parents separate or divorce –

The general rule of thumb that should guide grandparents is understanding that children of all ages can only profit by having as much love around them as possible during tough times, so don't remove yourself from the scene even if it means going against your grain and opening the door with the in-law with whom you hold hard feelings. (And feelings of ill-will are understandable!)


1. Open the door right after the breakup by sending an e-mail, making a phone call, text-messaging, sending a card. In other words, do whatever it takes to say I love the kids and want to stay in touch. Express your concerns up front. After all, you are human and have a right to be concerned.

2. Bite your tongue and accept the fact you may have to hear some negative stuff about your own child from both the in-law and your grandchildren who are hurting. Keep in mind, nerves are raw but they will heal by-and-by. Be the “big” one and set the standard for civility.

3. Discuss visitation concerns. Grandparents have to accept the fact that visitation is a gift not a given (At least according to current court rulings about grandparents' rights). If you fear losing your grandkids, have your son or daughter, write something in the divorce agreement about your visitation privileges, but don't count on this being upheld in court. It may be that something “official” will work to your benefit.

4. Do your very best to make visitations stress-free. Don't ply the grand kids with questions about the in-law.

5. Stick to the rules set down by the custodial parent and show your appreciation that you’ve spent time with them. Chances are if you observe the rules you'll get to see the kids again.

6. Give lots of advance notice if you have a special occasion and you want to see the grandchildren.

7. Don't come on too strong in the beginning about seeing the grandchildren while the parents are trying desperately to reorganize their lives. You may have to settle for crumbs at the outset.

8. Always say something positive about the in-law so the "nice words" are carried back. Dig deep if you have to.

In summary: Loving relationships are hand-hammered. Sometimes the material we have to work with is resistant and can get easily dented. The final product is worth the care. And try to be a grandparenting friend, not a foe to maintain the all-important loving relationship.

                                    #                                  #                                  #

       

Divorce affects everyone in the family, especially children who will be mourning the loss of an absent parent, and dealing with all the changes in their environment. Children of all ages have a sea of emotions: sadness, depression, anxiety, confusion, fear, guilt and anger, and behave in ways you may not understand or agree with.  

As a newly single parent or a parent who has begun to rebuild his or her life, you may begin to notice sudden changes in your child’s behavior. For example, some children act out to get attention. I used to be good, now I’ll cause trouble.  Others withdraw and turn their anger inward. Bobby, who was so outgoing, goes off into a corner when there is company. The teacher reports that Janey refuses to share her toys in nursery school. You may observe your child crying at the least provocation, throwing tantrums, developing nervous habits such as nail biting or hair twisting, eating compulsively or rejecting food, wetting the bed, etc.  These changes in personality can be both distressing and alarming.

 

Then again, a grandparent, sibling or friend may be more aware of these changes in your child than you are. Understandably, you are focused on trying to reassemble your life, and it’s very possible that you may not have personally observed these changes. A first step would be to ask that person to point out specific instances when he or she observed these new behaviors. Rather than wallow in guilt, find comfort knowing that changes are to be expected and, hopefully, temporary.

Obviously, if the changes are truly dramatic, it’s time to seek professional help. But before you jump to conclusions that your child is in serious trouble, it’s wise to become familiar with some of the common reactions children have to divorce.

 

Recognize that adults and children grieve differently. And yes, there is a certain amount of grieving that takes place during divorce even if your child seems relieved that the fighting is over and the parents have parted ways.

 

Bereavement counselors tell us that children cannot sustain long periods of grief. Also, their grief patterns are different from adults’. Their capacity is limited and because of this, their grief resurfaces at irregular intervals. There are bound to be flashbacks such as a trip to the park where Daddy once cheered your son’s winning baseball team, or a family gathering where Mommy’s absence is all the more visible because the other cousins have both parents sitting at the table.

 

If it’s tough for adults to make these connections or understand why they feel the way they do, imagine how difficult it must be for your child who is personally experiencing these flip-flops in mood and behavior.

Also adults and children react different to loss. Adults experience shock, disappointment, anger. Children, on the other hand, are more likely to experience feelings of abandonment.

E.M. Hetherington and J. Kelley interviewed more than a hundred children of divorced families in their 1980 longitudinal study and learned that children who find out their parents are separating ask such questions as: Who will take care of me? Where will I live, go to school? Will the other parent leave, too? 

It's normal for your child to blow off steam when expressing his or her feelings. Granted, it’s not always easy to live with a child’s turbulence that, hopefully, will dissipate in time. Keep in mind that blowing off steam is a way to test you while your child affirms you are an ally.

 

Finally, recognize that there are developmental stages for children. Professionals in the field of child psychology have compiled a list of predictable reactions that occur at specific ages that you can use as a guideline for evaluating behaviors you notice in your child. This is a partial list, and since children move at different rates in their development, the ages in each category are approximate. [The list is based on information from Claudia M. Fetterman’s Participant’s Guide Putting Children – Skills for Parents in Transition (1999) available from the Connecticut Council of Family Service Agencies.]

 
At birth to 18 months, children may be nervous, fretful, and exhibit some delays in development. They need cuddle time, consistent routines and a feeling of security. Warning signs are failure to gain weight, diminished growth, or unresponsiveness.Toddlers (18 months to 3 years) may appear moody, withdrawn, fearful and become

Toddlers (18 months to 3 years) may appear moody, withdrawn, fearful and become even more attention- seeking.They may exhibit unusual changes in sleeping and eating patterns. Toddlers need verbal and physical assurance, routines and consistency. Obvious signs of 
regression are bed-wetting and tantrums.

 Preschool (three to five years) children do not understand the concept of divorce and may feel responsible for the situation. They may express fears unrelated to the divorce and will not want to separate from parents, fearing that one or both will not return. Again, they need reassurance the parent will return. You can read age-appropriate books to them about divorce and help them verbalize their feelings.

Elementary school-age children (five to eleven years) will feel torn between parents, may take sides, and engage in magical thinking believing they can control the outcome and bring their parents back together if they behave a certain way. At this age, children will experience feelings of loss, anger, guilt, rejection and sadness. They may have difficulty sharing possessions and try to control situations. Adults should allow the children to expression their feelings, not offer false hopes, set structure and routines, avoid power struggles and encourage the child’s relationship with the other parent.

 In middle and junior high school (eleven to fourteen years) children turn to peers for support. They worry how their own life will be affected, may become protective of a parent and play the role of the absentee parent. You may observe a child engage in negative acting-out behaviors, be critical of their parents’ dating/social/sexual behavior. At this age, children need to express their feelings appropriately. You should encourage outlets such as exercise and sports. Children should have some input into visitation plans, and be given permission to act like a child.

Older children of high school age will be concerned about money, resent the fact that their lives have been disrupted, may be afraid of intimacy, and be embarrassed by their parents’ behavior. They can capable beyond age level and have the ability to understand and adapt with structure and guidance. Not all high school age children, while articulate, are able to reason like adults. Parents need to continue to maintain parental control, give permission for children to love both parents, and develop an adult support system so the child can be free to be his/her age.

 Does My Child Need Therapy? 

All children will go through a natural grieving period and have to process the changes in
their life brought about by their parents’ divorce or separation. Some children need short-term problem-centered counseling. Teachers, school guidance counselors and social workers who observe your grandchildren will be able to advise you and recommend resources in the community. Many public schools have coping with your parents divorce workshops for children as young as kindergarteners.

Keep in mind that the decision to seek professional help is yours. Use the resources in your community such as social service agencies your child’s guidance counselor, referrals from Human Resources or Employee Assistance departments at work, counseling centers in local colleges and community centers, pediatricians, churches or synagogues, professional societies of psychologists, clinical social workers and marriage and family therapists. Check your telephone directories, community hotlines such as Infoline and the Web for listings in your area for professional counseling services. My book: “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect – What to Do” (Impact Publishers, fall 2006)  has an exhaustive listing of resources and will help you understand the importance of the extended family helping you and your children heal at critical stage of your divorce.